By 8:18:00 PM

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Kadang-kadang saya gak ngerti dengan cara Tuhan ngajarin saya sesuatu. Saya dihadapin dengan satu keadaan yang bikin mikir banget atau sakit hati banget. Dalam waktu bersamaan ada aja hambatan buat saya bisa membagi rasa bingung atau sedih dan sakit hati itu kepada orang lain. Termasuk pasangan saya. Sampai akhirnya saya nangis karena bingung, sedih, kesal atau sakit hati. Karena saya gak tau harus gimana. Kadang, malah sering kali, yang saya perlukan hanya bercerita.
This is what happened today.

As an introvert, I hate my self for most of the time for not be able to express my self, my thought even my anger. I hate it when people hurt me and the only thing that I can do is being silent. It of course will lead to a bomb one day. When I explode my anger, my thought, my hurted-feeling into something bad. Shouting. Saying something hurtful. I don’t know. But, most of the time I forgive people and hurt myself at the same time for being permissive and easy to forgive on someone’s fault without they know how hurt my feeling was. It’s bad. Really bad.

I am not sure if this thing happens to all introverts, but it is for me. And I hate it.

The worse, I cannot mad at someone that is not closed with me. I rather avoid them compared to face them and telling the truth; I hate you or I mad at you. But to the ones that I am closed with, usually it takes sometime for me to take a chance to talk and say something regarding that matter; me being hurted or mad. Most of the time, I am exploding without me can handle it. It is because I keep everything in my head for quite long time. I never release it. I am not sure whether I cannot release the pain or feeling, OR I do not want to. I enjoy being hurted. With my own thought. I do not know for sure.

But then, I learn something from my friend. Whenever you have bad feeling, hurted one, or mad, try to release it before you go to sleep. You create a conversation by saying something that you want them (the ones who you thing have hurted you) to say to you OR you say something that you ought to say but you could not voice it out during the event. By doing so, you release the feeling, you give the opportunity for yourself, most importantly, and for other party that you think have hurted you to say something that you wish they said.

So, when I face the situation when I know that God wants to teach me something and during the difficult time I could not make myself release it by telling the story to my trusted ones, I do the exercise. Release the pain before I go to bed. By doing so, I really hope, and it was proofed for several time, that my feeling is getting better once I wake up in the morning. The pain is no longer trapped  and the anger has gone.

And God, thank you for giving me so much surprises. I really appreciate every second of the moment. I took the lesson and I wish to be a better person. Each day.  

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