It's 3.30pm
I have tons of works to do. But I'm tired. I'm bored. 

I kept on doing home chores that actually can be done later. Procrastination, people say. I don't deny on it. Yes, I'm procrastinating my works. 

Fhhh...

Let me just enjoy this instant coffee and fried banana. Then I will to the tasks.

Adios.
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"Just curious, why have you texted? is that all?"

I texted one of my mentees couples week ago. Just to check in, how is he doing. We used to discuss about many of things during my tenure as his mentor. I was just in a sudden have a thought about him. So, I texted. 

I think it's because usually our relationship much more education-related matter. I took care of his study and something related to it. So, most of our texts are related to it, business matter. He laugh though that he asked me that question, it's simply because he doesn't really text and rarely got messages from others. 

But this thing happened not only once. I experienced it few times. The question of "why you texted me?" came after I asked "how are you?". 

Is it weird that you text person that you know without no intention towards business matter or can-you-help-me kinda thing? Just text because suddenly you were on my mind, and I was wondering how are you. That's all. 

Well. 

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I don't know if it's just me, with weird personality, or everyone experience to feel so helpless and tired every one and another day in their life. 

Once I woke up, a never ending list of what to do today are there on my mind. As I finished folding my blanket, one by one to do list are queuing. I feel like screaming and saying STOP, I AM TIRED. 

In between the work a lot more things are jumping in here and there; bills, bills, bills, people's feeling, how's my parents, how's the friends and family, how are my students etc. Last weekend I have no energy to even do my other to do list. I shut my self down. Did not really replying texts from students or colleagues. I am tired like hell. 

I'm crying. I AM TIRED.



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All my classes are converted into online. The thing is, asking students to read and actively participating in class is damn hard! 

You explain, they don't really pay attention. You send document so that they can read the instructions, they don't really read. Some of them didn't even download the file 😭 You typed it millions of time in the group chat, they marked it as read. 

Sometime they leave you typing many messages during the "class" and leave you conduct your monologue running for 2,5 hours. No response. No nothing. Up till I typed "I feel like doing monologue" then only they said "sorry". Without really replying your previous notes there. 

The class preparation was tiring. Thinking about how to conduct it effectively is insanely taking my entire 24/7. And when you know that the class was ignoring your effort, it's hurting the most. 

People say "ikhlas". 
Yeah, I have to practice more of that. 

For the students who have been really enthusiastic during my class, THANK YOU SO MUCH ❤️


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I have been dealing with myself since I don't know when. But then I realized that I kept my childhood trauma for so long that alrealy affect my behaviour. The worst is affect me, inside. The fear, the hurted feeling, the worrines and you name it, all of those are unpleasant. 

But above all my feelings, thoughts and struggle in facing this, I love my parents. No matter how imperfect they are, they are the perfect parents God has given to me. 

The fear of loosing them are the scariest feeling that I face every single day. I am afraid that I have never good enough for them. I am afraid thaf I do not have chance to show and prove them that I love them so much.
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I texted one of my favourite students few days back. I informed him that I am leaving the faculty soon. I asked him to drop by into my office if he could before my departure. I did not expect that it would be today that he surprisingly appeared in front of me and saying "you said that I can drop by if I can, so I have time now". I suddenly cried. Aside of the fact that I am a crybaby person, I am touched that he meant what he said. 

I have been teaching him for numbers of semesters. He is the only student in his batch and he managed to finish the whole journey perfectly with distinction result. What a tough journey, I could imagine. He is a good student. One of the best that I have ever taught. 

I remembered during our classes, I always enjoyed the discussion part as I will learn something new or got new information from him. In that case, delivering some knowledge have made me earned some as well, even more that what I have given.

Having the student standing in front of me with sincere face and heart will, I melted, I cried. I am happy and touched. I know I must have done something good that I got this wonderful treatment from my student. I do not know whether I deserved this. But thank you. 

I just hope that he, and the rest of my students, will get the best experience and job for their future. My heart and prayers will go with you guys.

Best of wishes.

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I still remember the first day I landed in this city. It was early in the morning, while people were enjoying their sleep, I believe, I landed with mixed feeling; happy, nervous, excited, curious and tired. I put so much hope in this city. The hope that I really wish could bring me somewhere good, better. 

I still remember the day when I found a tiny house to rent nearby Airport. The place where I finally decided to stay all this while. The house that witnessed so many things in my life here both private and professional. I utilised the house not only as shelter, but also the place to share a lot of memories and finish up my working tasks, sadly. Yes, I am a bad employee, I brought my work home many times >.<

After all three years (plus) in this town, I have finally decided to leave with half of my heart still stay here. I have A to Z reasons to leave, yet stay. But leaving is the ultimate decision to be taken for the betterment of everyone. Especially me myself. 

It is now the time for me to count day by day towards the departure. It's sad. Yet excited. And nervous. 

Well, every good thing must come to an end. 


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I remember the day when I sent an application with full of hope. God give me a beautiful answer for me to start a new journey somewhere I never imagine I could be. Until, I don't know when, everything started to going grey, blue, sometimes I couldn't even tell. I feel like every single thing is going wrong, unpleasant. Is it that I did not try hard enough. Or is it just like this and I cannot help myself to accept it? 

Then I realize that I want to go. I desperately want to leave the place where I am currently standing. But where?