By 11:36:00 AM

Glad that yoga will benefit your health rather than just a meditation. I am a very emotional person. I cry a lot. Like, a lot. When I'm angry, upset, sad or whatsoever condition that involve emotion. My tears just telling more than words that I can say.

Yoga has taught me to be more patient. At least to myself. I am a deep thinker. But yoga has brought me to be more aware and mindful on whatever I am thinking about.

I know I have been a loner since I was born. Even couple days a go when I turned into a new age, it was almost no one remember, expect my family and the close ones. Other than that? zero. I was not sad. Not a problem, for I am not a fan of surprises. But then I realize how alone I am.

I remember one day my yoga teacher, Kazumi, told me that we have to distinguish between aloness and loneliness. Aloness is something natura. We born alone. We die alone. But loneliness is more to emotional thing that drag you into something miserable. I have been done that dragging thing for so many years and I am not gonna do it anymore. That's why I am starting to understand the situation here; the fact that I am alone, not lonely. But then again, yes, I have no enough people surround me. So when I turned into something age, I know that it will just be like this for the rest of my life. Born alone and die alone.

That's why I am very stubborn of putting everything on my shoulders and my own thoughts since forever. I somehow think a lot about many people without they knowing it; about how they will go through this or that, how are they, how their problem can be solved, how can they survived the life, how can they eat when no money on their how how how how. I think about all of people that I love, except me.

Sometimes I keep busy thinking of others happiness, what make them smile, what make them not alone and so forth, when I am myself struggling alone here. And no one asking about how am I doing, how does it feel when you stay alone the whole week during the heavy rain, can you sleep well, do you want me to take you somewhere to eat so you are not stuck with the food in your fridge. I am wasting a lot of my time for others. Too much that I forget to love my own self.

Yoga somehow helps me a lot to overcome the situation. To bring my awareness back, to practice being a mindful person, to be more focus on one thing that I need to think/do at current moment. I even think that going to studio and having Iyengar yoga practice has brought me to some place called peace. I only have to focus on my breath and awareness of my posture without thinking about any other things. Sometimes when I do yoga, I forget to keep on breathing for I was too focus on my pose. Funny. But it happened once in a while.

I did restorative yoga poses last week. That was the first time me doing it. You can read the benefit of restorative yoga here. The pictures below are some of the poses that I did in the restorative class the other day. Kazumi taught on how to bring self awareness back to the body and mind, how to relax, how to trust.

from google image search
from google image search
from google image search
from google image search
from google image search

from google image search
The most terrifying pose. I am afraid of heights. I should be calm and enjoy the pose, but what I experienced were stressful, sweaty, shaky, scared of falling. I could not enjoy it, not even a second. But I did it, anyway. 

On the way home, Kazumi gave me a lift, I have a deep conversation with her. Talking about how to control my emotion. She said that I have to practice bringing my awareness and mindfulness. Never attach into something to make you happy or feel better, because it never permanently exist. Like family, partner, friends or even an ice cream. She gave me an example: When we bored or sad, we tend to eat something nice to, hope, bring the mood and happiness back. When you eat ice cream, you happy. When you eat ice cream, you happy. When you eat ice cream, you happy. But one day, when you unhappy and hardly enough to find ice cream, what will be happening?

Get rid of the attachment on to something is hard to do. In my case. I cannot even trust my ability and potential to do something that I finally left many opportunities and attached myself on to something I like. The problem is not solve, it never been solved. My fear of being rejected, failed, humiliated are too big. They not even exist yet. The fact that I am rejected, humiliated or failed.

Just like doing some asanas. Some of them are hard to do. I sometime keep on telling myself that "you cannot do that". But then, I see people who barely do yoga can do the asana that I thought will never perform it due to the difficulty. Here is the story. I once gave up on Eka Pada Koundinyasana II from the first time I saw people doing it. But when I look at my yoga friend's picture, she nailed it, even though she is a lot more beginner than me, I reconstruct my thinking. I try to trust my body. I practice and practice and practice. And by the time my leg could fly high, I jumped as I was so happy that I could do it. I get rid of my fear and doubtfulness, and yes, I nailed the pose!

from google image search
Eka Pada Koundinyasana II
And the restorative yoga class last week has brought me into a new self awareness and spirit. I really hope that I could be someone better for me, my family and others. Bring me back to my focus. Left every secondary thoughts as KIV, waiting for its time to be executed. And yes, I am alone, but will never be lonely, no more. One more thing, I will never let something that vague or not even exist be in my way. My potential and perseverance is bigger than anything else.

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